Success…

“Success and likability are positively correlated for men and negatively correlated for women.” – Sheryl Sandburg

Silent Sexism

Our culture has fostered and nurtured subtle discrimination to become the norm.

Growing up, I loved the outdoors. I loved to climb trees and sharpen sticks on rocks to make weapons (really). I would build things out of anything I could find and dream about living in a tree house that I would one day build. My favorite color was yellow and blue, not pink (my favorite color has never been pink.) I still liked to dress up in princess clothes but I hated having my hair up. But as I grew older, I learned that girls were supposed to love cooking and sewing and cleaning. That they were supposed to be quiet and respectful of everyone around her. That they were physically weak. That they were supposed to like a certain kind of music and certain toys.

My parents were not intentionally sexist. They were simply teaching me what they were taught by their parents. My mother is Japanese – She grew up in Japan and moved to the States when she was 20 for college. She met my dad, an all american man from Memphis, Tennessee, and got married. They had my brother in Tennessee, me in Taiwan, and my younger two brothers in South Carolina and Japan (respectively). My brothers grew up helping my dad with building things and playing sports and fake fighting (and real fighting). They invited me to play occasionally and I tried, but I realized quickly that sports was not my thing. But I remember clearly, even as a 5 or 6 year old, thinking and believing that I wasn’t going to be good at it because I was a girl. Where did I get that idea? I couldn’t tell you an exact time or phrase that someone said. But now I wonder if sports wasn’t my thing because I had already decided that I wasn’t going to be good at it? When a child is told and shown that they are not or will not be good at something, what incentive do they have to try? Now, I’m not saying that if I had been encouraged to do sports that I would be a pro by now. Not at all. But my point is that I heard it. Over and over again. It wasn’t necessarily that people would say “you suck at sports!” it’s more that they wrote me off and never gave me a chance simply because of my gender. I wonder how many girls out there gave up something that they liked because they were told that they would never be as good as a boy? The same goes for boys. How many boys are talked out of pursuing their love of poetry, or cooking, or fashion design because they were told boys weren’t supposed to like those things? Thankfully, there are those kids who know what they love and they do it despite what other people say. And because of them, we can see examples of great, talented men and women breaking the gender molds.

Sexism can be subtle. And it can come from the sweetest, most sincere and loving people – just because they were taught the same. There’s the violent, mean, and dehumanizing side of sexism too – but I’ll be talking about that another time. I’ve even caught myself doubting in fellow women who go for a traditionally male profession. I’ve caught myself believing that a woman will never be as successful as a man because of (insert gender stereotype here).

I remember crying for over an hour when I got my first period. For reasons that I didn’t understand, I felt that becoming a woman was falling into a life of submission, inferiority, weakness, and limits. I was twelve years old. No body flat out said “Hosanna, being a woman means you need to submit, that you’re weak, that you will never be able to do the things that men do.” I never heard those words. But I had seen it lived out. I watched it on TV, in commercials, in my family, at my school etc. I think the biggest factor, though, was the sexual abuse I had already experienced. With no words spoken to me, I learned that girls were made for men to use. That we wouldn’t be able to fight them off because they’re stronger. That girls were, in every way, inferior to boys.

We, as a society, teach both boys and girls what they should be, and so much of it is crippling. So much of it doesn’t apply to an actual human being. Gender isn’t blue or pink. It’s a sliding scale with thousands of shades. People’s minds and personalities have so many sides and so many facets and so many shapes and colors and dimensions. We teach that boys have certain needs and girls have different ones. Men need respect. Women need love. Men need to feel important and useful, women need to feel cared for and protected. What blows my mind is that we have created a society that is so blind to real human needs that we’ve made love into a vending machine – give her love, and you’ll get sex. Make him feel important, and he will take care of you. This is subtle, learned sexism. This is subtle, quiet, discrimination. And it’s hurting all of us.

I’ve been unlearning everything I’ve learned about gender for years. And as a result, I’ve learned how to treat people much, much better. Talking about it, reading about it, and hearing personal stories is what has helped me understand this issue. I want to encourage all of you to share and talk and discuss the subtleties of sexism so that we can grow to love and respect people for who they are – not for their gender.